Happy Birthday, Adelynn Grace!

My funny, sweet, witty, beautiful, charming, firstborn...you are three years old today! I am so amazed by how much you have grown and changed over 3 short years. I look back to the day we brought you home, and I can still vividly remember sitting up in the bedroom cradling your tiny, scrunched up body in my arms. As I ran my fingers along your forehead and breathed in your sweet, new baby scent, I recall thinking "don't ever forget this." And I haven't. I have hung on to that memory and the complete aweness I had over you. Those moments and days following your birth were pure heaven. And though they seemed so surreal, they were very much concrete. Moments I had only dreamed about, I was finally living out. I was a mommy...a dream come true for me. If I could have stopped time in that very moment, I surely would have. But oh how I have loved watching you grow into the big girl you are now!

This year you became a big sister, and you took on the role with pride! I love watching you with your baby sister. You are very motherly toward her, watching over her and making sure she's taken care of. You love to help feed her, change her diapers, and make her laugh. You love making everyone laugh.

You love to sing and dance. You ask me all the time about when you'll be able to go to dance class. And you ask the same thing about school. You love going to Sunday school every week. I'm excited to see you do these things but sad to see you grow up so quickly.

Your gammie introduced you to Barney and it is now your favorite thing to watch.

You have also mastered how to use the potty. You still have occasional accidents but for the most part you've got it down.

We are so proud of you, Adelynn! And we are so thankful God has put you in our lives. We love you so very much.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Realization of truth.

I watched the movie Courageous last week...and I cried. Then just the other day I heard this song by Casting Crowns on the radio.

And I really cried. Because the truth is, it hit way too close to home for me. Watching this movie, and hearing this song, brought a flood of emotions. Emotions I have struggled with my entire life. Pushing them off, sometimes simply trying to forget completely they are there in the back of my mind. Every so often it will strike me.

 I'll have a bad day. I'll start to wonder if he thinks of me. If he loves me. If he ever did love me. If he remembers he even has a daughter.

Let me explain. There is something not too many people know about me. Something I tend to steer people away from when it's brought up. Up until this point, I have not wanted to talk about it. But I've spent so much time praying to my Heavenly Father... Struggling, praying, feeling like some days it's fine. I don't care. I don't care. I'm fine. And I'm tired, so tired, of convincing myself it's ok. It's not. And I feel compelled to share the truth. Because as I get older, I understand I have to stop running from this realization.

I'm adopted.

And before I tell you anymore, I want to tell you when I was eight years old, my mom married a wonderful man who showed me what a dad was supposed to be. I have found a father in him. Without him, I wouldn't have an earthly father in my life. A real dad. He has loved me, guided me, prayed for me. He was there when I got my driver's license. When I broke up with my first boyfriend. When I went to prom. Graduate from High School. College. Got married. And he's "pa-pa" to my girls.

But the truth is, somewhere in Texas, I have a dad. And I haven't seen him in 14 years. I would occasionally visit him in the summers when I was youngeer, but somewhere around the time I was 14, I stopped hearing from him.

Three years went by.

 I started to realize when I got married, my dad probably wouldn't be there. When I had my kids, he probably wasn't going to be there either.

So I asked for Mike to adopt me. Because he was a father to me. He had been there for me, and I knew he would be there for me. I was 17 and I had waited a long time for my dad to come around. Praying maybe today would be the day he would call. Maybe today he would tell me how sorry he was for being absent in my life. Maybe today he would tell me he loved me.

 I desperately wanted my dad to love me. It never happened.

I didn't hear from him. That is, until he received adoption papers in the mail. When he called to tell me I was a bad daughter for doing that to him. How could you do this? The man I hadn't heard from for 3 years. The man who never called. The man who forgot my birthday....was upset with me. He signed the papers and I never heard from him again.

I invited him to my wedding. He never came. And if the fact that I knew he wasn't coming didn't sting enough, instead I received a letter from my "grandma" (his mom) about how they would never come, because of what I did to them. I cried for days.

Maybe you would think by now I would stop praying he'll call me. But I don't. I still have a little spark of hope. Maybe you would think I still don't sink into a ball and cry over it. But I do.  Maybe you would think it doesn't hurt as much today. But it does.

I do struggle and it still does hurt. But here's what I do know: My father in Heaven loves me so very much. He hears my prayers and He answers. He knows my every need. He has put an earthly father in my life who loves me and cares for me. And He has brought a wonderful man into my life, who loves his girls so very much.

I am breaking the chains of my past, right now. My girls will never know what it feels like not to have a daddy. They will not go to bed wondering if their dad loves them. They will not. Ever. I know this. My husband and I talked about this before we were even married.

I am so thankful for all the Lord has taught me and is teaching me. Maybe my dad doesn't know it, but I forgive him. And I pray for him everyday.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.": Psalm 68:5