One of those moments happened when Adelynn was about 18 months old. Brian had the day off and was upstairs napping. I had been downstairs folding clothes in the laundry room. I thought Adelynn had made her way upstairs, as she sometimes did when Brian was home. As I walked up stairs to put the clothes away, Adelynn was nowhere to be found. Brian, of course, still dead alseep. I ran over to him and shook him quickly shouting "where's Adelynn!", knowing full well he had absolutely no idea where Adelynn was. Afterall, I was the one who was supposed to be watching her! I went into panic mode. My heart starting thumping as I stumbled down the stairs, doing a quick circle around our house realizing she was not in the house anywhere. It was when I reached for the door, I realized it wasn't latch. She was outside somewhere. Thoughts started swirling through my head as I ran around the outside of our house screaming her name, expecting to find her outside on the swing set. But she wasn't there. What if she got hit by a car? What if someone had taken her?
And then I saw her.. she was about 3 houses down, across the street, on the neighbor boy's tricycle!! She smiled and waved as I ran toward her. How could I have been so neglectful!? What if something had happened to her? I couldn't have ever lived with myself. How could I have been such. a. bad. mother.
Or how about the time Brian and I put her to bed, only to realize later neither of us had given her dinner? Fail.
Lillian hasn't been gaining weight...
She's been at 6lbs 10oz for about 3 days now, and they expect her to be gaining about an ounce a day.
And as a nursing mom, it all hit me today...
What if my dieting and calorie counting has something to do with it?
I can't help but think it could be my fault she's not gaining. Thinking about it today made me just a little depressed. It breaks my heart actually.
So I'm officially done with the dieting, and another page is going in my book of bad mommy moments....
I'm not a perfect mother. In fact, there aren't too many times as a mother when I've really been sure. Sure that what I'm doing is absolutely, without a doubt, the right thing.
And I know I won't always have the answers, and I will make mistakes. But I do know one thing for sure...I love my girls dearly. And I pray even through my inadequacies, they will know this.
4 comments:
Us mama's can be so hard on ourselves sometimes. You're far from a bad mom. I know I can say I identify and know where you are coming from. And in your words your heart is revealed. And it's beautiful. It's loving. It cares. All things that make up the heart of a good mom. No doubt that is you.
Looking forward to seeing you this afternoon. :)
We've all been there Holly- what makes you an outstanding mom, is the fact that you care enough to want the best for your children...above what you want for yourself. It's always comforting for me to hear these kind of stories from other moms- sometimes I feel like the only "mom failure"...thankfully, God loves and cares for our children even more than we do, and He works in their lives to watch over them and protect them...despite the mistakes that we sometimes make...afterall- if we were perfect, we wouldn't see our need for our Savior!
Lillian will start gaining again soon- she just wanted you to start enjoying your chocolate and blizzards again!
Anna said it perfect...'if we were perfect, we wouldn't see our need for our Savior'!! You are a great mom my friend...I see it each time I'm with you and in your girls!!
As soon as I saw the title of this entry, I thought to myself...wonder if she's telling the story about Adelynn's 'roadtrip' -- and after spending time with you yesterday, I thought maybe it might have something to do with Lillian too!
Praying you see those numbers go up...you are doing great - love ya!
I too am looking forward to this afternoon...infact, I just said to K, 'my friends might want some brownies this afternoon, wanna make a pan?'!!
Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement! :)
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