I watched the movie Courageous last week...and I cried. Then just the other day I heard this song by Casting Crowns on the radio.
And I really cried. Because the truth is, it hit way too close to home for me. Watching this movie, and hearing this song, brought a flood of emotions. Emotions I have struggled with my entire life. Pushing them off, sometimes simply trying to forget completely they are there in the back of my mind. Every so often it will strike me.
I'll have a bad day. I'll start to wonder if he thinks of me. If he loves me. If he ever did love me. If he remembers he even has a daughter.
Let me explain. There is something not too many people know about me. Something I tend to steer people away from when it's brought up. Up until this point, I have not wanted to talk about it. But I've spent so much time praying to my Heavenly Father... Struggling, praying, feeling like some days it's fine. I don't care. I don't care. I'm fine. And I'm tired, so tired, of convincing myself it's ok. It's not. And I feel compelled to share the truth. Because as I get older, I understand I have to stop running from this realization.
I'm adopted.
And before I tell you anymore, I want to tell you when I was eight years old, my mom married a wonderful man who showed me what a dad was supposed to be. I have found a father in him. Without him, I wouldn't have an earthly father in my life. A real dad. He has loved me, guided me, prayed for me. He was there when I got my driver's license. When I broke up with my first boyfriend. When I went to prom. Graduate from High School. College. Got married. And he's "pa-pa" to my girls.
But the truth is, somewhere in Texas, I have a dad. And I haven't seen him in 14 years. I would occasionally visit him in the summers when I was youngeer, but somewhere around the time I was 14, I stopped hearing from him.
Three years went by.
I started to realize when I got married, my dad probably wouldn't be there. When I had my kids, he probably wasn't going to be there either.
So I asked for Mike to adopt me. Because he was a father to me. He had been there for me, and I knew he would be there for me. I was 17 and I had waited a long time for my dad to come around. Praying maybe today would be the day he would call. Maybe today he would tell me how sorry he was for being absent in my life. Maybe today he would tell me he loved me.
I desperately wanted my dad to love me. It never happened.
I didn't hear from him. That is, until he received adoption papers in the mail. When he called to tell me I was a bad daughter for doing that to him. How could you do this? The man I hadn't heard from for 3 years. The man who never called. The man who forgot my birthday....was upset with me. He signed the papers and I never heard from him again.
I invited him to my wedding. He never came. And if the fact that I knew he wasn't coming didn't sting enough, instead I received a letter from my "grandma" (his mom) about how they would never come, because of what I did to them. I cried for days.
Maybe you would think by now I would stop praying he'll call me. But I don't. I still have a little spark of hope. Maybe you would think I still don't sink into a ball and cry over it. But I do. Maybe you would think it doesn't hurt as much today. But it does.
I do struggle and it still does hurt. But here's what I do know: My father in Heaven loves me so very much. He hears my prayers and He answers. He knows my every need. He has put an earthly father in my life who loves me and cares for me. And He has brought a wonderful man into my life, who loves his girls so very much.
I am breaking the chains of my past, right now. My girls will never know what it feels like not to have a daddy. They will not go to bed wondering if their dad loves them. They will not. Ever. I know this. My husband and I talked about this before we were even married.
I am so thankful for all the Lord has taught me and is teaching me. Maybe my dad doesn't know it, but I forgive him. And I pray for him everyday.
"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.": Psalm 68:5
4 comments:
I wish I could give you a giant hug right now! Thank you for being so real, honest, vulnerable. I can relate - but there is no comparison. You are so strong and beautiful. How blessed you have been and your children will be. He has missed out on so much and you do not deserve the treatment you have received. I am so glad you have such a strong support system in your life now.
Thank you so much for sharing the depths of your heart. What a testimony to how God's people are broken and hurting and still learning to trust and lean on Him. I will pray that God continues to heal your heart and bless your many right choices.
holly, i am your sister. not by blood but im still here and when i have ever not been there. for about 3 years you never did contact me. this is OUR dad we are talking about. OUR dad still loves you. and you hurt him. he flew you out and he did what he could for you. as much he could. your mother sent you halfway out of his way when he was paying a but load of child support. you think OUR dad wasnt a good dad i guess. but i can guarantee i left my mom who loved so very much just to live with my dad and he did the best thing he could for and still is. til this day he is doing a job he doesnt so i can have the thing i WANT. HOLLY HE LOVES YOU, and we even talked about this he is messed up in the head for what you did. i know that no matter what even if my dad didnt contact me for 3 years i wouldnt have changed my last name because i know id hurt someone til they would wanna kill themself like OUR dad wanted to do after you did that. what you dont know and what i dont know is after that point was his words were "i dont care to live". dont think you should call him holly? holly write him and let it all out. this may sounds mean but this is coming from the girl who never changed her name whenever i had so many step dads not knowing really who my dad was until the age of four or five. you know my number 9405364015. i dont wanna hurt you, i love. but if sisters could change who there sisters are i know of so many who have been sisters to me throughout my life. i dont have you or jessica in my life no more. it all flows together on how you look at it
Holly, I missed this post. I am glad you mentioned it in your comment on my blog today. I hopped over to find your story and found a connection, that while our stories are different, I do understand that feeling of when an earthly daddy overlooks his daughter's heart and plays the victim card. It hurts and I hurt for you. I cannot fathom why it is so "easy" for your dad to stay away and unconnected to you. You are an amazing person and if he was the person he should be in Jesus I know your dad would be proud of you.
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